Purgeport II

Paradox of Disclosure – Insightful (ADLT 612)

Among other things discussed last night in the two team presentations was the concept of the paradox of disclosure within group dynamics. This turned out to be a very insightful topic for me. I learned quite a bit about myself last night, not only new things, but things for which I believed the opposite to be true of myself.

When given the example from the text for the paradox of disclosure I became withdrawn from the information. Everyday, in every group interaction I have, my sexuality is in the back of my mind and I wonder how would this information affect the group dynamic, the treatment of ‘me’ by the ‘others’. I see myself as well adjusted, socially adept and conscientious. I value that I’ve come to embrace my being gay as only a single factor of myself as a complex individual. However, whenever I know the topic might come up in a group, I find myself tense and withdrawn. Whether it’s work, school, or a mixed social group within which there are people I’ve not met before, when I know the topic of being gay might come up… I withdraw. Last night as we examined the paradox of disclosure, I began to wonder why. Why?, do I withdraw. Is it fear? Do I really care what anyone thinks if they find out? I think I do, which is contrary to what I would have told you before last night.

So, after class I was consumed by this question and although I had to be up by 6 a.m. for a 7:30 a.m. meeting, I stayed up till 1 a.m. and trying to think through this perplexing paradoxical point of pondering. I don’t know that I came up with any solid answers, except that I obviously care about what others think, and this was news to me. However I did think through a few other issues about the paradox that I’d like to share.

At first, I thought… people don’t share out of fear and some fear is well founded. I re-called hearing people in our very class using the word gay in a derogatory fashion to explain things that they found offensive, silly or otherwise not worth their time. For example: “That such and such is gay!”… yes.. I have heard this sort of thing and not just once. Or, laughing and joking while watching Remember the Titans during the scenes when ‘Sunshine’ was assumed to be gay by his teammates. The taken aback gasps when Sunshine kissed Bertier to make his point. So…what is my point? Sure, by stepping forward and coming out as gay, I could be calling people out on their comments, and or their reactions to things in the movie and this might make me more of a risk taker… and by doing so I might be helping to educate others… But…does that make it the better or right thing to do? I don’t know.

Should I have to fight the fight, so to speak? In my mind, I think NO. I think, you didn’t hear me snicker when Bertier kissed his girlfriend, you don’t hear me say “this assignment is so hetero”, and you certainly would never hear me snicker at the idea that a person might be straight. Perhaps this is taking a backseat to the “cause” that is gay rights. Am I a social loafer by being gay but not being an active agent for change all the time?

Part of my not being the advocate in the classroom has to do with the potential for disrupting the class. I know myself enough to know that if I bring the issue up, it will likely become a very passionate and lengthy discussion, one which may overshadow the purpose of the evening. The other part of my not being an advocate in the classroom has to do with the feeling that this should be the one place, which I don’t have to. This group, above almost all others, should be enlightened enough that I don’t have to defend myself or all other GLBT people.

But, this I know. Part of it is fear, my own. That which I didn’t realize I had.